Clean Limericks - from the Limerist

Paul A. Freeman

Although I spend much of my free time working on my 'Lost' Canterbury Tales project, I also dabble in limericks (both clean and not-so-clean).

In my opinion, a good limerick is just as difficult to compose as a good sonnet. In fact, with fewer words to play around with, with only five lines, and with the need for a humorous punchline, a good limerick is possibly more of a difficult proposition than a sonnet - though don't tell Shakespeare or Wordsworth this.

Below is a selection of my clean limericks - yes, clean limericks do exist! Some have been published, and I've even been paid for one or two!

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Limericks I

An elderly zombie named Fred
was excited at being undead.
But losing his dentures
upset his adventures,
then bunions confined him to bed.


Old Darwin once thought it a jape
to declare man evolved from an ape.
But the world was aghast
and the question was asked,
"Did the grapefruit evolve from a grape?"


The pig on the spit made me gawp
Till I had a large chunk on my fork.
Then the cannibal chief
Said, “Pig? No! It’s a thief!
But you’ll find he tastes rather like pork.”


The gateway to Hell opens wide
For sins such as envy and pride.
So when meeting Saint Peter,
God’s merciless greeter,
You may be told, “Access denied!”


My girlfriend is short like a gnome,
With a head that’s as smooth as a dome.
And with strange almond eyes
It’s perhaps no surprise
That she constantly wants to phone home.


One night, feeling slightly unhinged,
on hot chili peppers I binged.
My stomach felt dire,
My tongue was on fire
and later my rectum got singed.


A daring young fellow called Midge
Bungee jumped off of a bridge.
But his sums were all wrong
And the rope was too long,
So he's now in a county morgue fridge.

Limericks II

There was a young man from Belize,
Whose feet smelled of Camembert cheese;
Whilst asleep in his house,
A ravenous mouse,
Ate his legs all the way to the knees.


A Welshman was once bet a fair bit
to put cheese on his head if he dared it.
But once this was done,
too long in the sun
turned the Welshman's head into Welsh rarebit.


There once was a weird kinda dude
Whose behaviour was childish and lewd.
He’d sometimes go streaking
When no one was peeking
And often he’d swim in the nude.


In fury my wife said, “I’ll nail yer,
for being Life's ultimate failure.”
Then she savaged my ear
with her teeth till I fear
it now looks like a map of Australia.


A young single mum from Peru,
Had a serious bout of the flu;
She sneezed over the cot
Of her three-month-old tot
And he stuck to the mattress like glue.


The folk in a cafe who slurp'll
Earn plaudits, whilst others who berp'll
Hear no yell or curse
From this poet whose verse
Can at last use that tricky word 'purple'.


Though Henry was henpecked and meek
And much too downtrodden to speak,
He ended the strife
Of a horrible wife
With a shove from a mountainous peak.