Homophone - shoo/shoe Alice in Trumpland – The Press Briefing
Alice hurried down an impossibly long, winding corridor, searching for the White House press briefing room. None of the doors was numbered, and there were no signs indicating what lay inside each room. The only writing on the doors was the single word ‘push’. So, trusting to her luck, Alice pushed a door open. Inside, a troupe of Russians danced Cossack-style around piles of hundred-dollar bills. Simultaneously, they typed suspicious-looking computer code into the tablets on their laps.
“Are you lost?” said an unfriendly voice. “There’s nothing to see here.”
Alice turned with a start and came face-to-face with Alternia Factus, the ovine-faced Miscommunications Officer.
“I assume you’re from the Big League Gazette?” she continued. “You’re the only journalist unaccounted for.”
“Actually, it’s the Bigly Gazette I work for,” Alice corrected. “Not the Big League Gazette.”
“Bigly? Big League? It’s merely an alternative pronunciation, my dear. Don’t you know I’m never wrong?” Then, quickly changing the subject, Alternia added, “The press briefing room’s this way.”
The Miscommunications Officer pointed to the door opposite, which instead of saying ‘push’, said ‘press’. “Now don’t you feel stupid?” she said.
“But the press room should be labelled as such - on a sign,” Alice argued. “Anyway, who presses a door to open it?”
“What is a push but a big press?” said Alternia, rolling her eyes. “I told you, I’m never wrong. No wonder our beloved president calls you news people ‘ignorant anuses’.”
“Er, I think he meant ignoramuses,” said Alice, as the Miscommunication Officer pressed the briefing room door open with her index finger, her face contorted with the painful effort.
Inside, the Press Secretary, Choo Spencer, had an important announcement. “Due to our beloved president re-pronouncing my first name at a TV interview, henceforth I’m officially known as /ʃuː/ Spencer.”
“Would the spelling be ‘shoe’ as in what’s on one’s foot,” asked Alice, “or ‘shoo’ as in go away?”
“Go away!” said Shoo, at which the Forks News journalists obediently stood up and left.
Alice sniggered. “What ignorant anuses. Aren’t the Forks News reporters aware that /ʃuː/ is a homophone?”
“What did that girl call me?” bellowed Shoo Spencer from behind his dais. “It’s a lie! It’s more fake news!”
While Shoo Spenser marched angrily up and down the stage, ranting and raving about pressmen and presswomen being enemies of Western civilisation, a freshly typed Tweet appeared on the briefing room plasma screen.
‘Donnal D Trump (@alternativeDonnalTrump) My press apologist is neither a homophone, nor xenomorphobic, nor misorgiastic. Period. Anyone saying otherwise…sad! Kick her out!’
“Kick-her-out! Kick-her-out!” Shoo began yelling.
The chant was quickly taken up by Alternia Factus and several front row journalists who had been kissing Shoo’s shoes each time he marched past them on the stage.
As Alice was escorted from the room by Alternia Factus, she heard Shoo Spencer announcing that a wall was to be built between the USA and Cuba.
‘The poor fish,’ thought Alice.
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Below are links to my Global Short Story Competition winning story, my short-listed story for the National newspaper (Abu Dhabi's, annual short story competition) and a story that appeared on the Every Day Fiction site - where you can leave a comment:
http://www.inscribemedia.co.uk/assets/october-ebook.pdf
http://www.thenational.ae/arts-culture/short-story-a-day-for-decisiveness
http://www.everydayfiction.com/the-d-day-diorama-by-paul-a-freeman/#comments
Happy Writing!
Alice hurried down an impossibly long, winding corridor, searching for the White House press briefing room. None of the doors was numbered, and there were no signs indicating what lay inside each room. The only writing on the doors was the single word ‘push’. So, trusting to her luck, Alice pushed a door open. Inside, a troupe of Russians danced Cossack-style around piles of hundred-dollar bills. Simultaneously, they typed suspicious-looking computer code into the tablets on their laps.
“Are you lost?” said an unfriendly voice. “There’s nothing to see here.”
Alice turned with a start and came face-to-face with Alternia Factus, the ovine-faced Miscommunications Officer.
“I assume you’re from the Big League Gazette?” she continued. “You’re the only journalist unaccounted for.”
“Actually, it’s the Bigly Gazette I work for,” Alice corrected. “Not the Big League Gazette.”
“Bigly? Big League? It’s merely an alternative pronunciation, my dear. Don’t you know I’m never wrong?” Then, quickly changing the subject, Alternia added, “The press briefing room’s this way.”
The Miscommunications Officer pointed to the door opposite, which instead of saying ‘push’, said ‘press’. “Now don’t you feel stupid?” she said.
“But the press room should be labelled as such - on a sign,” Alice argued. “Anyway, who presses a door to open it?”
“What is a push but a big press?” said Alternia, rolling her eyes. “I told you, I’m never wrong. No wonder our beloved president calls you news people ‘ignorant anuses’.”
“Er, I think he meant ignoramuses,” said Alice, as the Miscommunication Officer pressed the briefing room door open with her index finger, her face contorted with the painful effort.
Inside, the Press Secretary, Choo Spencer, had an important announcement. “Due to our beloved president re-pronouncing my first name at a TV interview, henceforth I’m officially known as /ʃuː/ Spencer.”
“Would the spelling be ‘shoe’ as in what’s on one’s foot,” asked Alice, “or ‘shoo’ as in go away?”
“Go away!” said Shoo, at which the Forks News journalists obediently stood up and left.
Alice sniggered. “What ignorant anuses. Aren’t the Forks News reporters aware that /ʃuː/ is a homophone?”
“What did that girl call me?” bellowed Shoo Spencer from behind his dais. “It’s a lie! It’s more fake news!”
While Shoo Spenser marched angrily up and down the stage, ranting and raving about pressmen and presswomen being enemies of Western civilisation, a freshly typed Tweet appeared on the briefing room plasma screen.
‘Donnal D Trump (@alternativeDonnalTrump) My press apologist is neither a homophone, nor xenomorphobic, nor misorgiastic. Period. Anyone saying otherwise…sad! Kick her out!’
“Kick-her-out! Kick-her-out!” Shoo began yelling.
The chant was quickly taken up by Alternia Factus and several front row journalists who had been kissing Shoo’s shoes each time he marched past them on the stage.
As Alice was escorted from the room by Alternia Factus, she heard Shoo Spencer announcing that a wall was to be built between the USA and Cuba.
‘The poor fish,’ thought Alice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Below are links to my Global Short Story Competition winning story, my short-listed story for the National newspaper (Abu Dhabi's, annual short story competition) and a story that appeared on the Every Day Fiction site - where you can leave a comment:
http://www.inscribemedia.co.uk/assets/october-ebook.pdf
http://www.thenational.ae/arts-culture/short-story-a-day-for-decisiveness
http://www.everydayfiction.com/the-d-day-diorama-by-paul-a-freeman/#comments
Happy Writing!
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